Fellowship Memphis

Jessica Laws and her children Karliscia (16), Jaylen (13), Kaeden (9), and Kyndal (7).

What a difference a year can make! When I came to Fellowship almost 3 years ago, depression, severe daily headaches and a failing marriage dominated my life. Depression medication was my lifeline, but even with it, I struggled to get out of bed daily. About a year ago, God began doing an amazing work, that I am humbled to be a part of.

It started with a conscious decision to “let go.” I had tried to control my life, and everything in it, for as long as I could remember. I thought that I knew what was best for me, and I didn’t feel the need to consult God on my life’s choices. I was stubborn and even when I knew God was trying to lead me away from a certain decision, I did what I wanted. Strange enough, that didn’t seem to be working out for me. I finally reached my “rock bottom” and realized that I couldn’t handle anymore. My life was crumbling around me and I couldn’t do anything about it. For the first time ever, I completely understood that I had to fully entrust God with my life and everything in it, my present and my future. I had to learn to let go and follow where God led.

Second, God used his Word at the women’s retreat last year to speak to my heart in a profound way. I came upon a verse while I was having a bit of a down moment. Flipping through my bible, I came upon Psalm 46:5 God is within her, she will not fall. As out of context as you want to argue it may be, I knew that God meant for me to see that verse at that moment. God wasn’t at my neighborhood, as Bryan would say, he came in the front door, sat on the couch, put his feet up on the table! That verse might as well have been placed in the bible specifically for me to read in 2010, because that’s exactly how it felt.

As if these encounters with God weren’t enough, at the same retreat, I came to understand the meaning of God’s love and grace in a way like never before. I had understood grace- in theory, anyway. I could even accept grace for others, but I was convinced, MY sin was too great, too many, too ugly, etc, for God to wipe clean. I had often envisioned God with a scorecard with my name on it and the bad marks recorded with the good. Deep down I knew that wasn’t the case, but the thoughts were still there and I couldn’t let go. That weekend, during one of our quiet times, I began to imagine God looking at me from heaven. In his hand, I expected to see a magnifying glass, (so that my sins could be inspected and magnified, of course). Instead, he held the body of Christ as if still nailed to the cross. God was looking at me through the body of Jesus! The light bulb finally came on. After all these years, I really understood how God could look at me and not see my sin and my messy life. And what a wonderful illustration it was to see!

God began to gain a foothold in my life but my medication still kept me going day to day. The daily headaches and struggles of being a single, working mom were a lot to deal with. Luckily for me, God wasn’t finished. (I just love it when God really shows out!) After being in a community group that I loved, for over a year, it split. The new times for the groups did not work out with my job schedule. The thought of not being with this group, who I loved so much and now considered my family, on a weekly basis left me feeling a little lost.

I was assigned to Kerry Shepherd’s growth group. Her first assignment: tell our life stories. Really? I couldn’t think of anything I would rather do less! Telling my story would be embarrassing and difficult. I waited as long as I could, but I finally did it. It was just as difficult as I had thought, but it was rewarding as well. Once I told my story, the whole story: all skeletons ripped from the back of the closet, I felt an amazing sense of freedom. These ladies knew all my secrets and they loved me anyway. And not only that, but I had this wonderful vision of God looking at me through a “Jesus Lens.” It was a sense of peace and freedom that I hadn’t felt in years.

A few weeks later, I realized I to take my antidepressant not only for that day but the last 5 days! This is one of those medications with a warning not to stop suddenly because of bad side effects. But, I had no side effects, and I had been feeling so good it took 5 days to realize. Eight months later, I am still medication free, side effect free and healed. After 8 years of depression and dependency on antidepressants God intervened. God is so good!

I believe in miracles! God has shown himself in amazing ways. I am blessed and ever so thankful. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have plenty of struggles, problems, and even a few worries. My marriage ended and my kids and I have had to adjust to a new normal. I am the same person with the same messed up past. The difference now is that, as my story continues to be written, God is holding the pen, not me. I have no idea what God has in store, but I am certain that God can write a much better story than I can!